Just a little thought

At the point of a diverged road, Choices ready to be made. Been there? Dreading that I know nothing of how my life will turn out. What's the best choice? How do you determine such a thing? Though all my choices haven't been the right ones, I know for real that I will never regret any of them because of the amazing character I am nowadays. Eventually you'll acknowledge that if you make the right choice, its just as good as a shortcut. Really think about your life and what will make you happy. Staying optimistic is like beneficial karma.
Why am I afraid to be helped, or even to let someone be nice? My guts churn when in that position. Wanting to be capable of giving to the needy or just to be a doll, but right now it's as if I can only help myself. That's a bother, totally. Leads me to think what on earth am I too do to be financially stable and successful... Being raised I was taught nothing of business or how to concur struggles in life. Just of what Jesus expects from us, nothing more. Here in this hole of confusion I'm pressing forward to find the answers to this optical illusion, that keeps me writing this monologue. What too do.

Living, Day By Day

“She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life.”

-Jonathan Safran Foer

Struggling to reach the rooftops of mountains; awaiting for each week to return closer to the top, unfortunately it's contrary. We are not getting any younger so what is it that keeps me holding back from moving on and forward? Each of the solitary moments I spend alone makes me think "what am I really doing with my life..." do I know what I want, merely it's a game I play against myself. These tasks I'd like to partake in to accomplish my hopes, dreams and aspirations. Leads me to my next question. Living up to others expectations in life. Could be your parents, friends, religion, financial stability, and so much more worries, nevertheless. By all means if money makes you happy and its the only way you can remain sane, or to be constantly fake like if you even own an ounce of bliss. GO FOR IT THEN! Materialistic things can't be logical, and it's not even necessary. Finding myself in particular situations when money seems tight and when it becomes "needs" more than "wants". Growing up poor and now pushing myself to create my own income, enough to take care of myself. New phones and technology bull stays irrelevant to me. I'd prefer to be by a beach writing my heart out any day. Living in a small comfortable cottage sounds like luxury to me. There is no need for me to prove anything to anyone, because I'm content. Remember a "optimistic attitude is like beneficial karma. You could never go wrong. It feels really good to give and help when I'm in the position too of course. Sometimes i just cant help myself. Yes, money may be a lifetime concern, but when you learn to live content with little; Is when you genuinely appreciate and become wise. And you start to notice the things that are actually important, not things insignificant.

Ohhh boy... Religion. First off; It destroys relationships if different, turns you into some form of a puppet, Drives people completely insane, and i believe its a manipulative conspiracy. Don't get me wrong.. I believe in Jesus Christ and all the bible teachings and i was raised in it. but... Churches (for example) They use the son of god to make money, sell merchandise to profit on what he has done instead of doing as he did and share his teachings free. Healed the sick, spoke optimistic messages that would encourage others to do the same. For what? No price at all for us, for him... death. He of course went through severe pain to die for us, to him he has all to gain. Us as his people. So why does religion have to bring such a ridiculous twist to it? Why are there churches? You might say "social gatherings". Ha, My apologies. Have you heard of homes? Parks? Modern coffee shops? Laugh out Loud! Encourage to be encouraged. What would Jesus do?

What is it about men?

What is it about men? I can’t explain how many instances there have been where I just have to ask myself that question. Every time I become vulnerable and comfortable, it’s like they think they could take advantage of my courtesy. The moment I walk out of their life then what, they notice that I’m the woman they will ever need? Is it fear? That makes me feel vex, and it’s discriminating in a sense. You either know what you want or you don’t. I’m excessively putting all my efforts and feelings into this individual, because I care how he feels; he thinks it’s a game. No it’s not greener on the other side; it’s where you water it. Now the fun part… I keep putting myself in contradicting situations where I’m clearly in fault at the end, but it feels fair; not wrong. I do not understand why I see all these signs of dishonesty, disloyalty, carelessness; but I do absolutely nothing… at all. Sweet-talked back into this second dimension, where things go zilch. Is it worth the wait, or am I waiting for nothing?

I’ll dismiss it as mere conjecture, to take time and if it fails; at least I know I tried.

Wheel of Fortune

  

    Wheel of fortune that keeps on turning and maintain its ground, but my feet are still placed beneath the sand, Taking time merely going nowhere it seems. Leaving out my desires to please man, forgetting to be grateful for what I have received.  Thinking back where things would fall together so perfectly with no endeavor, matter of carelessness, also no cause of vexation. What does the pursuit of happiness honestly acquire? This could mean something different for everyone.  Each individual instills their passions in what makes them happy which could be contrary to someone else. Think about it, Take out happiness and replace it with your desires. Simple... I have never had a purely intellectual point of view about change up till now. Things that meant a lot to me began to recede as time went on, bearing my heart down. Alarming it may feel not acknowledging where you’re going to be, or what to do too succeed. Those regrets that continue to retain you’re potential. Why not rise from your standard or comfort zone and do something you’re notwithstanding. Let it be a new light in your eyes, that people will observe the new spark in you.   

       Tired and miserable I am becoming of living in this continuous routine that I’m just honestly not genuinely happy in. Yes, it bandages up the hurts for the time being, Understanding that it will just add more hurt to what you already feeling. To personalize you with a fake optimistic attitude; is it just positive thinking, or a mask? 50/50 I’d say. It feels good to talk about these things, but too much pride to be dwelling others with my worries. What change is bound to happen? Roller coasting this ride for too long.

                    

          CHANGE is what you make it, and you will only find it within yourself.

and NOT others.

Beloved to be in Love

Beloved to be in love, what could it possibly mean? No one really knows, suppose you precisely feel it. Comfort ability, Encouragement, Honesty, and communication are things I believe are most important keys to a healthy relationship. Though being too comfortable could be a negative matter as well; To the point where you just lack doing anything productive, which could soon lead to no more encouragement, boringness, and where your state of bliss does a one eighty and causes resentment. No one wants to down their kudos in a relationship by simply not getting “pretty” for you man, or merely just not taking care of yourself in a sense. Women should never stop trying and keep things fresh (Men do consider us thee “emotional” ones) Once we become distressed it causes that vibe along with an unpredictable attitude, that obviously they just don’t “dig”. Keep your cool, with confidence and go with the flow. True love is a discipline that only you can choose to fulfill.

One to lay down sacrifices has their pros and cons. How much would you give or give up too keep
one in the right state of mind? Is it healthy, or absurd? First off it shouldn’t be too difficult, but yes there do come times for discussion and decisions that both should be capable of handling it with patience, and understanding. For some it may be difficult. Starting off the relationship with full trust, no nagging, generous with their “space”, Will keep you around longer where they eventually adore and appreciate you for that. Definitely not smart to render yourself in a relationship to uprightly change a man, they are who they are and you can’t change anybody. Possibly it won’t work out and things might get edgy… it’s time to depart. Caution when you commit your cares too oneself, continuous hesitation too return the favor could be a sign that he’s just not interested, for another situation; just not ready. There’s a reason for everything though, if things don’t go take another route. Take heed when you’re being spoken too, including eye contact and vulnerability. They appreciate being listened to; all we want is for them to be the man. “Life’s a journey, not a destination.”

. . . . .

Rubberband Back Too You.

 

She would say “it’s the smell of his hair, the strength in his back; each moment he appears from this light that keeps me running.” Disposable you may refer to some, but this one; definitely not.  Most would call him charming, contrary to those who think of it as deceitful. Aware of the spark she knew her heart had this intense pressure, and passion. As in, this could be it. Perhaps soon enough she’d be capable of raining her feelings towards him without it coming off with an antic disposition or promiscuous action. With that said, she kept asking herself “When will my time come?” Sat, waiting patiently, in silence. They say “The humble keep quiet” I boggle over the thought of it. So many words to be said and not enough time in day. It’s unbelievable how frantic some individuals get and in order to keep composure, then again; must stay emotionless silent.

. . .

During her time of waiting, she would dread the fact that she would have to be assured by him constantly; for one to know he’s interested. All day long she showers him with love and kindness, and as much understanding possible. Should she not expect too much from a man? Offhanded he seems to be when she tries to accommodate and be that optimism in his life. Up and down he swears that it’s not her, merely she has gone mad. Would he also bring a conspiracy in some shape and form that would cause an outrageous break that neither would want to run into? Should you stay or should you go. Skipping down the windy road with an artificial grin, resulting in his game of cat and mouse, and to deny you disagree is just disrespecting your morals and standards of who your character truly is. When will the time come where enough is enough?

. . .

Like a magnet Point A always ends up back with Point B, even when pulled away for distance. For a heart, shouldn’t it grow fonder when away? She had a difficult time keeping her distance for all the love in her heart for him; although for him to notice, it’s probably the best resolution too just walk away for a while. Do what makes you happy and watch others observe the happiness and light instilled with you.
. . .

Still I wait patiently and waiting. Hoping that the best is yet to come, and the wait shall be worth the while. Giving all of me, presenting him what I could be for him. Nevertheless, one day it will be noticed, all things come in time during the seasons of bliss.

And for the fairy tell happy ending, it is still yet to come.
. . .

Issac and Isaiah

     My Loves; I do believe i failed you, And i apologize for letting you down. The feeling of emptiness, and shame has poured over my heart for you two boys the day april 2nd rolled around. There has been so much pain and hurt through these past two weeks, but you two have changed my outlook on life and things that matter.. It was a scary thing to experience and see but i never regret the pain, only the fact that i have lost you. Not being able to acknowledge the fact that you were on your ways to becoming my two and only <3 Guilty i couldn't for one second here your breath, or even your cries. All i wanted to be was the mother i was destined to be for you, and teach you all the things my mother didn't know how to teach me. I love you guys and you will always be forever in my heart, i think about you everyday i'm able to breathe. I'll be seeing you in heaven.

My twin babies <3

RIP

04/02/12