Real Reality.

     These days of mine go by the same, incredibly unpredictable. I can't figure out if the facts of life are realistic or can i really get that fairytale dream that i have dreamed of for years. It reminds me of the barbie dream house i built as a child. With every perfect detailing of the fine linen, vintage couches, and the beautiful canopy over my California King Size Bed. Perhaps this will turn to reality, Although people may think otherwise. Life is what you make it, and i choose to stay optimistic. "Take time to give thanks for the beauty of today."

    Today, I successfully learned that you can't help someone who don't want to help themselves. However crazy in love he may seem. I don't know what it is about him. As we sit in the car with the music up, I turn my head over and genuinely look at him and see nothing. Despite all our memories, It's just not there anymore. The words are always turning out to be stronger than the actions. Honesty and self respect are very important. So if he is being dishonest why do i chose to stay with him. I feel like I'm slowly dying because i obviously have no self respect to truly let him go. Hating that i know what should be done, but proceed to do nothing about it. Do i think too much? Is there too much thought in how i want things? Only because i feel as if i deserve it. Striving to be the best woman out there and it's just not enough. I've learned to appreciate the little things and what i already have., because yes there is less fortunate than I. I tend to find others complaining about irrelevant things that i would never even think to complain about. All I'm trying to do is find love, honesty, and loyalty. Somehow ending up with all the nuttbags. Being in a state of bliss is what i ultimately long for in this cruel world of ours.

"I still find each day too short, for all the thoughts i want to think and accomplish".

 

     How is it that love can make someone SO crazy? Too foam at the mouth, scream at the top of their lungs. push their "love" up against the wall, and to be unappreciative. It makes me sick that someone i loved so much could become so controlling; control issues, and anger problems. I only wish the best for you, and us. Sweetie, you can't be surprised if it doesn't work. You've done so much damage and I'm trying to walk on with life as if every things okay, but inside are tears and cries. Anxiety has recently been overwhelming me. Help me find help, i don't need you turning it to depression. Struggling seems to be normal in this life of mine, thinking when i became and adult that things would be easier. Well I was wrong, It only got worse.

 

"Living is a challenge; but it's your reaction, that will determine where you go."

-sarah nixon